Dear Birthmother...

Welcome to my open adoption page. I will use this space to share my personal trials and tribulations with open adoption...from the birthmother's side. In looking for information and support about open adoption on the Web, I found lots and lots of sites solely for adoptive parents, but none solely for birthmothers. Some adoption sites had categories or sections for birthmother support or grieving, but they comprised a relatively small section of the larger adoption sites. So here is my very small contribution to helping preserve the sanity of birthmothers who need support in the aftermath of the decision to place their children for adoption.

Raising awareness of what is now called "open adoption" is a cause near and dear to my heart. I believe WHOLEHEARTEDLY in adoption when unplanned pregnancies occur. It makes me very sad to live in a society that has so little respect for human life that abortion, an act of murder, is considered to be a MORE acceptable solution than placing a baby for adoption. I believe adoption is an act of true love...loving your child so much that you can recognize you are not able to provide the best possible life for them and then having the courage to let go of them. People are not our possessions to "hold on to" by virtue of biology...they are unique creations of God who deserve the best we can give them. (My midwife recently told me that babies are only on loan to us from God) Sometimes, the best we can give them means giving them up.

A little bit of background...although I have never been married, I am a birthmother of two. Here's a little about my children.

Tara

My first daughter, Tara, has been adopted by my own parents. Tara was born when I was 17 years old, the result of my typical teenage "it can't happen to me" thinking. I truly believe she is God's way of showing me that He always works good, even out of the most horrible situations. I didn't start out intending to have my mom and dad adopt her; rather, it happened because I had unrealistic expectations about parenthood from the very beginning. Like many teenagers who become pregnant, I had visions of a darling baby who would love me and make my life complete. I was woefully unprepared for a little human being who would be completely and totally dependent on me. Thankfully, my loving and dedicated parents stepped in to help with their first grandchild. Eventually, I started college at the University of North Texas, and my mom and dad became Tara's mom and dad, too. It happened gradually over a period of about two years, as I began coming home from school on the weekends less and less, and becoming more involved in things a college student would do, things that didn't leave any room for parenting. As a result I don't think I recognized my grieving for what it was. I just knew I was upset when she began to call them Mom and Dad. I cried about that a lot. I felt I was being replaced in her life, and that I might as well disappear. I kept insisting to myself that the situation was only temporary, it would all change as soon as I finished school. However, it seemed I kept subconsciously making decisions that kept me from EVER finishing...choosing to take semesters off to go on road trips, failing classes so that I had to repeat them, etc. Finally, I was forced to come to grips with the fact that even when I DID finish school, there wasn't going to be any way I could step back into Tara's life and say, "Mommy's back!" That would be completely unfair to her...I would still be a single parent, where my parents are not, and she would still have to spend a large percentage of time with sitters while I worked to establish myself. It was at that point that I accepted that my parents were providing her with what I could not, and most likely would not ever be able to - stability. As I said though, it took me a few years, and I didn't recognize the experience as the grieving process. Today, Tara is a happy, healthy, beautiful, safe, and well-adjusted 7 year old...all of which I suspect she would not be (well, with the exception of the beautiful, you can't argue with good genes!) if I had continued to parent her. I consider her blessed by the hand of God to have so many people in her life who love her and want only the best for her.

Kaitlin

My other daughter is Kaitlin, born just recently on June 26, 2000 at 3:40 am. Her story is a bit different from Tara's. Last October, I found out she was on the way shortly after I broke the engagement with my fiance. We loved each other very much, but in the end, love wasn't enough to build a lifetime on. Looking back, I see it was a love based more on what we could TAKE from each other than on what we could GIVE each other. I took his companionship and affection to alleviate my loneliness, and he took my ability to provide for us financially, making it unneccessary for him to hold a job or move out of his mother's house until I took the step of getting us an apartment and paying for it. He was looking for a mother, not a wife. I DID love him...it just took me awhile to figure out that mature, lifetime love is about giving, not taking. Kaitlin was not an "accident", nor was she a "mistake". She was made out of an act of love, therefore, I would rather say she was a "surprise" than a "mistake". Although the relationship was not meant to be, Kaitlin was created out of this love, and therefore I want her to know nothing but love all of her days. From very early on, I knew I was going to have her adopted. I was blessed enough to be raised in a two parent home, and I wouldn't wish any less for my children. However, my own parents were not in a position to be able to step in and take over the way they had with Tara. This time around, I went through an agency, Catholic Counseling Services. My caseworker/counselor is Sebrena Bohnsack, and I think she has an absolutely amazing job, getting to bring birthparents and adoptive parents together the way she does. I'm making a scrapbook for Kaitlin. I plan on giving it to her parents to share with her as she grows older, so she can know all about her birthfamily. In it I quote Isaiah 45:4. "I have called you by name, giving you a title, though you knew me not." This refers to the name I gave her before I selected and got to know her parents, the name Moira Caitlin. I suppose the "though I knew you not" part doesn't really apply...the adoptive parents and I have come to know and love each other. They live nearby, and they have assured me that I will be able to see Kaitlin frequently.

Sonogram picture of Kaitlin, taken at 20 weeks

More about open adoption...

Adoption practices have evolved quite a bit since about 1980 or so, with varying degrees of open adoption replacing closed adoption in the majority of agencies. Birthmothers used to have NO contact with the children they brought into the world, sometimes not even knowing if the baby was a boy or a girl. Professionals and doctors viewed it as best that the birthmother "forget she had ever given birth" and move on with her life. However, as we have seen today with increasing publicity regarding adoptees' searches for their birthfamilies, it is at the very core of most of us as human beings to want to know something about where our ancestors came from. I can't even imagine growing up wondering WHO YOU LOOK LIKE, or worse yet, WHY YOU WERE GIVEN AWAY.

Today, adoption is viewed as a lifetime process, not a one time event to be covered up and forgotten. Birthparents generally select the adoptive families, and lifelong relationships are built. The gut-wrenching questions that adoptees used to ask themselves, "Who do I look like?" and "Why was I given away?" can be answered by the birthparents themselves. The guilt and wondering that birthparents used to suffer, not knowing if their child was safe and happy, are alleviated. Everyone benefits! While levels of openness vary according to each situation and what the parties involved are comfortable with, just about everyone agrees: knowing is always better than not knowing.

There are many wonderful books out there about the evolution of open adoption. The first one I read was called "Dear Birthmother", and the second was its follow up book, "Children of Open Adoption". Both books really opened my eyes about what a positive process adoption could be when people let go of preconceived myths about birthmothers not loving their children. In fact, exactly the opposite is true...I could never make such a huge sacrifice if I DIDN'T love my children.

Some great adoption links...